let me tell you what i know.
i know that m made to be extraordinary
i know that m gonna shake things up pretty good.
i know that m gonna break records at some point.
i know that i ll be remembered.
i know that my life will matter.
i know that m gonna be immortal.

"if any soul came across that place
may all our voices whisper to you
through the ageless stones
go tell the spartans passerby,
that here by spartan law we lie"

i know i feel lonely.
i know that i m somewhat bipolar,
i know i hate where i live,
i feel happy isolating myself
but i feel alone.

i just dont feel like seeing anyone.
and i actually feel like crying
but it never comes out.
never.
and i remember fight club
when The Narrator goes
to group meetings to weep
but i dont think i d be able to pull that off either

i ve been researching personas
and have been convincing myself
to create a new identity for me
a new name

maybe that s y i m writing in this account instead of mine
i m sleeping on my office floor because i just dont wanna go home.
i dont feel fascination for anything these days.
reading about seduction and researching ways to act around people and learn to control them and make them worship me.
to have a group of followers where I AM KING.
where I am leonidas.
where I am showered with rice and flower petals as a wave to the crowd.

glory.
pride.
ego.

i ve been reading reading books like "Power", and "Seduction"...
that s what i long for.
and its fucked up because i WANT to have a partner in crime. to fake my lavish life. life that i can create but want to make it much more grandiose.
i need to make people feel m a living legend and i want to fake my way through it. i wanna get there faster.

i m not against learning and growing .
but m with illusions. about controlling charisma.
about controlling thoughts.
i need to control thoughts.

i need to fuck a big titted girl in the ass.
i need her to scream my name. scream it.
i m fairly good looking. actually i was the most popular guy in school and had girls drool all over me. but i just feel that i dont really like myself that much physically.

and after years of longing to be bigger... i just wanna be cut and look like a brad pitt like model.
the abs. the ripped body.
and want balls and long to just punch someone and break his nose out of conviction. if he got out of line.

i want to be able to buy a superbike and have the balls to drive it like a man.
i fucking HATE to be cautious all the time.

i feel m a pussy.
that s what i feel.